Feeding Decisions Without Shame: A Trauma-Informed View
Feeding a baby is one of the first and most emotionally meaningful decisions new parents face. Long before birth, many begin forming hopes and expectations about how feeding should look, often influenced by messages about what is considered best. While breastfeeding is frequently idealized, the reality is that feeding journeys are shaped by many factors, including medical needs, mental health, access to support, and the profound transition of becoming a parent. All ways of feeding a baby, whether breastfeeding, pumping, formula feeding, combination feeding, or donor milk, can support healthy attachment and thriving babies.
What often goes unspoken is how quickly feeding can become tied to a parent’s sense of confidence, bonding, and self worth. In the absence of clear reassurance, many parents look to measurable signs, such as milk supply, ounces consumed, or latch success, to know they are doing a good job. When challenges arise that are outside of one’s control, this can lead to grief, loss of control, and quiet shame. Yet feeding is not a measure of love or effort. It is simply one way of meeting a baby’s needs. It is the meeting of those needs, by a caregiver who is supported, present, and emotionally regulated, that matters most.
Letting Go of Pressure and Guilt
Due to the fact that breastfeeding is often presented as something that should come naturally, an instinctive, beautiful bond between mother and baby. For many new mothers, this message quietly becomes an expectation, and then pressure. When breastfeeding doesn’t go as planned, that pressure can turn into guilt, shame, and a sense of personal failure. You do not have to be a breastfeeding goddess to be a good mother. (time.com)
At Riverview Psychotherapy, we believe all conversations about breastfeeding should be guilt‑free, including conversations about wanting to stop. Feeding decisions are deeply personal, and they deserve compassion, nuance, and respect.
From a clinical, trauma-informed perspective, when breastfeeding causes more stress than support, it is appropriate and sometimes necessary to explore other options. There is no single “right” way to nourish a baby. What matters most is that your baby is fed, loved, and cared for, and that your mental health and well-being are protected.
Simply put: it is okay to stop breastfeeding if it is not working for you or if it is harming your mental health.
When Breastfeeding Doesn’t Go as Planned
Many mothers enter the postpartum period fully intending to breastfeed, only to encounter challenges they did not anticipate:
Not producing enough milk or any at all
Painful breastfeeding experiences
Babies who struggle to latch
The emotional and physical exhaustion of exclusive pumping
Feeling trapped by schedules, equipment, and constant worry
These challenges rarely exist in isolation. They are layered on top of sleep deprivation, hormonal shifts, physical recovery from birth, identity changes, and, for some, prior trauma or pregnancy and birth-related complications.
For some families, feeding challenges resolve with time and support. For others, they do not, and that does not mean anyone has failed. Bodies differ. Babies differ. Circumstances differ. Parenting does not come with a one-size-fits-all solution.
The Guilt So Many Mothers Carry
In clinical work, guilt and regret are among the most common emotions that surface in early motherhood. Many women know intellectually that they are doing their best, yet emotionally feel they have fallen short. They worry they did not try hard enough. They fear they failed their baby. They replay feedings, decisions, and comments from professionals, family members, social media, and well-meaning strangers.
This guilt is not accidental. It grows in a culture that frames breastfeeding as a moral standard rather than a personal choice, leaving mothers feeling judged instead of supported.
Breastfeeding Struggles Are Normal
Research consistently shows that breastfeeding is often an engrossing but challenging personal journey, one that can require significant self-sacrifice, determination, resilience, and adaptability. This reality contrasts sharply with the narrative that breastfeeding should feel instinctive or effortless. (NIH)
In a recent study, 92% of new mothers reported having problems with breastfeeding, with most saying it was far more difficult than they had anticipated. (NPR.org)
Taken together, these realities make one thing clear: difficulty does not mean failure.
Feeding Options Exist for a Reason
A nourished baby with a mentally healthy caregiver is far more important than meeting an idealized standard of feeding. Feeding your baby in a way that allows you to be present, stable, and supported is an act of care, not defeat.
Breastfeeding is not all-or-nothing, and stopping direct breastfeeding does not mean there are no other options (fedisbest.org). Families may choose:
Pumping, short-term or long-term
Combination feeding with breast milk and formula
Formula feeding, temporarily or permanently
Donor breast milk, when available and accessible
Talking with your pediatrician, a lactation consultant, or another trusted healthcare provider can help you consider medical factors, access, feeding goals, and mental health. Supportive guidance should center informed choice, not pressure or judgment.
Mental Health Matters: A Clinical Note on Feeding and Perinatal Mental Health
Feeding is not just a physical task. It is emotionally loaded, relational, and often closely tied to identity and expectations of motherhood.
When breastfeeding becomes a source of ongoing distress, contributing to anxiety, depression, panic, intrusive thoughts, dysregulation, or feelings of worthlessness, it deserves thoughtful, compassionate reevaluation.
Protecting your mental health is not selfish. It is foundational.
Gentle Screening: When to Reach Out for Additional Support
You may want to reach out for additional support if you notice:
Persistent guilt, shame, or feelings of failure related to feeding
Heightened anxiety around feeding schedules, amounts, or routines
Intrusive or distressing thoughts connected to feeding or caregiving
Dread, panic, or emotional shutdown before or during feeds
Difficulty sleeping even when the baby is resting
Feeling disconnected from yourself or your baby
These experiences are common and treatable. Support can help you process grief, reduce distress, and make feeding decisions that prioritize both you and your baby.
Your baby benefits from a caregiver who is emotionally available, supported, and able to rest. Sometimes the bravest, most loving choice is to stop, even when that choice feels complicated or painful.
You Are Not Alone and Support Is Available
If you are struggling, help exists:
Lactation consultants, if you want help troubleshooting feeding challenges
Postpartum therapists or counselors trained in perinatal mental health therapy
Support groups for new parents, online or in person
You and your child’s healthcare provider, who can help assess both physical and emotional well-being
And if the decision you need to make is to stop breastfeeding, support is still available for that transition, emotionally, practically, and medically.
If you would like help processing your feeding journey, the licensed mental health therapists at Riverview Psychotherapy are here to support you with compassion, understanding, and care. Please contact us if there is any way we can support you.
